I have awoken with such a melancholy over me and I cannot really say why. The training room is claustrophobic to be sure and my body aches from the punishment I have been giving it of late, but that is just tiredness surely? My walk upon the shoreline seems to have been a lifetime ago - perhaps just because I selfishly yearn for such peaceful and fulfilling times. Yet I do not think it is just for this shameful wanting that my spirits feel low. All about me Kimaldians are busy busy busy and I have not seen anyone for a while. But it is not loneliness I am feeling. No, I believe my heart feels heavy for worrying about another.

I am in a quandary and do not know what to do. It is very hard when you see someone slipping into a state unlike their usual demeanour. Very hard when they do not wish to discuss whatever it is that troubles them: harder still when your attempts are almost seen as unwelcome. They are not unwelcome - I do not think; it is just that when a person is so independent and so set on their duty to others at all costs; when they are so set on comforting those that are in the same situation without ever giving away their own feelings - well, it must seem almost unthinkable to show a chink in their ‘soul armour’, as I once heard it described. I had already seen them once since waking - I had put down their sombre expression and short answers as being because of patrol. I had thought they were going to say something at one point, but they excused themselves and were on their way. Then after a brief nap I woke to a message from someone else who noticed something.

I should not have gone there; I should have left well enough alone. When someone leaves the second you walk in it feels disquieting. I left Sorynn to sleep in Jensen’s good hands and kind ways and stood out in the snow a few minutes wondering what to do. Then knowing what they would do, indeed have done on so many occasions, I though I would try tracking them. Even if at the end the reaction was stony and cold, I would have tried. I still have Shirila raw in my mind, but despote this I still wanted to try. I thought I had got on quite well really. I was a little disorientated at a couple of places in the pass, but managed to get to Caernivale. I confess I would have been completely lost there if it were not for the ferryman - he had seen a passenger, described them and that led me to Kili.

To find their tracks on the beach was not so hard, but the labyrinth is something else. I wandered about stumbling on the occasional sign of them where the ash drift were disturbed but took too long and was not careful enough. I rounded a corner and my eyes were suddenly forced to close against a bright light and they were gone. I felt so despondent I moved through the tunnels barely registering the creatures attacking me. Eventually it was one too many and I found myself in Dundee.

I got no rest this night. All I see is a friend in need that I am unable, either by my own failings or their resistance, to help. Ironic - for were our roles reversed, I would have no peace until they knew I was well. I sent a message to my Lord asking that he cherish them. I know he does in any case, but short of saying I was worried I did not know what else to do.

Too precious is that bright light in all this darkness. I do not know how to keep it shining.

It is nice and peaceful here. So few people come and go. Not that I am avoiding anyone, it is just...nice. Those who pass do so in some secrecy in any case and seldom want to talk. They practice their arts well for if I sleep they never wake me by a heavy tread of foot or scraping of a lock or key.

Eldhar is a patient soul too. He does not seem to mind my silence and I do not mind his. There is a sort of mutual understanding I think.

The dawn is pale and it is mercifully cool before Sunrifter shows himself fierce over the desert. Let any fool who doubts His mighty power come to the sands and feel it for themselves.

I sit nursing a cup of refreshing tea with my cloak wrapped round me and the slight damp night air clinging to my cheeks and think on life and the wonder of it all. Balance is everything I think. Light - yes - be joyful in it and revel in it - but could we do so as well if we never knew dark? I do not think so. Unutterable joy - I am aware I have more than a whole host of people's fair share of it. Would it be as all-consumingly wonderful if I had not known sorrow and pain. Dear family and all the companionship to be found there - would I appreciate it as much had I never been lonely?

No to all of the above I think.

Sometimes it is good just to stop. Stop and think. Think and consider. Give thanks.

And I would with all my heart except that it already given.

I never though I could say that the spider caves of N’rolav are a pleasure to be in, but it was almost…almost… the case. Was there ever a truer and more stalwart friend than Knight Azure? I am blessed indeed for I count many as true friends, but I was so struck by her kindness. She sent me a message, as she often does, and must, I think, have been tracking me. She knew where I was and guessed what I was doing and was soon at my side with her warming smile and radiant personality. She declared she would help me scare up some blues as she put it. I know how busy the Knights are - the gods know I do - and I was worried about taking up her time, but she would not hear of anything else and was soon marching off through the caves. I was stunned though to suddenly hear the most extraordinary noise! She was singing at the top of her lungs, all the while her blade slicing through the dark and disgusting spiders and their webs. She declared singing brought them out. I cannot explain what a bizarre first marc that was…. This merry, joyful person dashing about the caves causing mayhem and carnage while blithely singing at the top of her voice. It is an unusual voice too. Not unpleasant, definitely insistent! I joined in quietly at first, but then with a little more strength. How strange the sound of my voice echoing in that cave and being sucked into the darkness. I did not know what to sing at first but it soon came to me and I sang of Sunrifter shining. And it worked! By Cory’s blessings it worked! Having lamented that I had not seen a single guardian in months, let alone a crystal of any colour, three! Three guardians we ‘scared up’. All the crystals were dull, but somehow that did not matter. I have not felt so cheered and content, except for an all too brief walk on the southern shoreline, in a long, long time. Though Knight Azure needed to go, somehow I still heard her voice down here a long time after she left and the memory of her presence here makes the light less dim. And singing of Sunrifter shining with dignity and grace reminds me of other things that cheer my heart too. Yes, I can easily bear the darkness a few days more.

The sun rising over the plains is so very beautiful. The last of the night, chilled by Sunrifter’s desertion, clings to the grass like a child to a warm blanket. The gentle mist rising from the grass is like the land sighs in its sleep ready for the day. Yes indeed, it is Ben’s own country, may his beard grow ever lustrous and his forehead shine over us all. The Sword of Valorn is held high and seems to pierce the sky to let the first light bleed through to banish the darkness. In my ears is the memory of the gentle splash of water lapping the shores of the land caressing them into life just as recalling those few precious marcs floods me with life and warmth. My blessed gods and beloved goddesses…what did I do to deserve such richness?

Well I did - got through another day that is, and thanks to the gods I am sure. But also thanks to some timely reminders, slivers of news of those I love and old friends. I recognise the signs when they come now - the dark shadows and the cold gripping fear that comes with them. That is something good to have come from the past. Warned means well armed I remember hearing once. Perhaps that is why my path has taken the turns it has - the gods wanted me to learn to cope. I wish I could believe I have learned to cope with anything; but I have the feeling those lessons learned were as the child learns from its nurse and teachers. What is coming may be far worse. But Thorne's words come back to me again and I know there is nothing to be gained from thinking like that. Until I see the proof they are, what point in assuming they will be? None at all. Oh Thorne - how glad I am he is back.

When I awoke and dragged myself out of Dundee I still felt sick and weak, but nothing that a bit of determination rather than self pitying could not get me through. I first rounded all the inns, of course, and felt at a bit of a loss once that was done. I knew I was not well enough to go into N'rolav without risking my life so would not go. A teacher's pet I am become! I saw Sorynn and, far more sobering, Knight Azure's face and their words came back to me as well as times past when their precious time was taken up with tending to me with far more affection than I deserved. I decided to spend some time alone. So many things it seem are pressing sharp against the inside of my head at the moment as though demanding attention. I went to the lake. It seems to welcome me back there that smooth water. Frustrating time though in a way: so many things I hoped to set out clear and put to rest and yet the water blanked my mind as I watched it. I sat like a small boy tossing pebbles into the water and watching the ripples chasing each other. A bird flew overhead and I received a most welcome note from Starling. I love her company - she is so curious and searching; always wanting to learn. I sent a note straight back and was soon delighting in her company. It makes me think clearly talking to Starling and to value every word for its true meaning and that is no bad thing once in a while. Words - how they are tossed about. They are spilled and sprinkled liberally until we lose sight of the reason for saying them sometimes. The dear lady told me that there were bugs in town. I realised that a raid had gone unanswered. With regret in my heart to leave her I ran there and found swarms of termites that made my already delicate insides churn. Sorynn and I both found ourselves there unable to do anything but stand guard to look over those that may be less able to deal with them. Eventually Lucius bought the town's freedom for a great price of his own blood and pain. By then I desperately needed rest and let my steps lead me to the Holy Order of Light. Almost like resting in a warm bath, bathed as I was in the glorious holy light. I felt a pang for I have not fulfilled my promise in that regard. I do not know why but Maji's face always comes before me when I spend time in the Order. A gift from the gods perhaps.

Too soon I woke. I managed to spend some time with some newcomers - though what they must have thought to see me in my ragged state I don’t know… perhaps it will inspire them to try harder than I do so as not to end up like it!

Nagging thoughts and darkness led me towards the tree. The very gods, I think, led Knight Azure the same way. She looked alert and was as kind as ever and accompanied me. She observed me fight the bears and wolves and seemed quite impressed. I confessed I was quite confident battling them now. Then she slew a spider - in truth the battle was over so quickly she was but a whir of blue and flashing light from her weapon to my eyes. We travelled to that false Dundee and I flew at the horrors. Then I caught sight of her diminutive form and was amazed. Like a dance her fighting was. She has such skill with her weapon and though these horrific creatures looked as though they would consume her in an instant, her study and training shone through. It was truly marvellous to watch. She went into the inn in that awful place and after a few more (far less elegant) battles I followed. The rats glowered at us though they did not attack. Immediately I was looking for any sign of gnawing or chewing. Listening again for signs. Knight Azure was cheery and reassuring. I must have left her too quickly and without clearing my head. I had blessed my own ring with Cory's most brilliant of light and whether I was dazzled or just not concentrating I do not know but before I knew it a mayoral horror had made me pay with my own blood for our daring to enter his realm.

I write where I ended up. I am just too tired to move. But the strangest thing…. as I woke I felt suddenly warm all over and a slight ache in my heart and felt someone was reaching out to me. It was a good feeling but has left me yearning…

I feel I could stay here forever curled up in front of this fire, my legs drawn up under me, my cloak wrapped about me. It is warm and safe up here. Knight Azure is a true and stout friend and guardian to us all. What a fool I feel though. How I wish my stomach would settle. There is no doubting I am better, but right now I feel as though any food or drink would explode from my body and do me no good. I do not feel hungry, I do not feel weak, and so it will do me no harm. Nutrition has been much in my mind of late…

I have not let my pen wander over these pages these past days. I am too afraid of what thoughts might flow with it. Thorne said he prefers to believe in fact rather than rumours. He is so wise - oh beloved gods it is so good to have him back. And so steady. He makes me feel foolish when he speaks such good sense. I however cannot separate my mind from rumours. How do the sayings go? There is no smoke without a fire and no fire without fuel. There is nearly always an element of truth. Given what the rumours are, and the other events of late, then even an element of truth is a terrifying thought. I have not slept properly in days. I hear scratching in my head and feel scratching and gnawing reverberating through my very soul. I wake clutching my rapier, wide eyed and sweating, imagining all sorts. I am haunting the inns of the land, even our own dear Swashbuckler, with brief, terse visits; my anxious eyes rove over the walls and every stick of furniture. Every door frame must be checked. Every spill on a floor might hide something… and Dundee most of all. I visit every day, on waking and before sleeping. That wretched hole is now burned into my eyes even when they are closed. There is no doubt in my mind what made it. The demonic, mouldering, terrifying rats that were seen in Dundee made it and came through it, though I did not see the truth of it with my own eyes. Though they have not been seen since, they are there. I know they are there. Scratching and scrabbling and chewing. The hole has got bigger.

In my dreams and in my heart I know what I believe. These rats are the herald of some terrible, terrible thing; just as surely as the rats in the sewer of Dundee herald greater and more terrible things for every young initiate who first ventures there. I am sure they are being used. They are being used as mechanics. They are a means to a terrible end. They are creating the means of invasion. Is it just bigger and bigger rats that even the Knights would struggle against? No - I believe it to be a more dread evil.

And now the news of scratching beneath the ground. How deep? We do not know or at least I have heard no thoughts on it. And where was this felt? Throughout the lands. Everyone felt it - all who were awake. Dearest Purazon tells me it seemed louder in the mountains. I have climbed and walked and slipped and struggled until my legs shook from the effort. For the first time I came to the place I love and was not comforted by it. Usually Branishor’s beloved light draws my gaze and is a shining beacon of hope. Yet I barely registered it. All I saw was the disease and evil twisted creatures crawling through that blackened nightmarish landscape. I checked Hagrius’s hut. All was well. He did not wish to speak.

I lay my head against the great doors of Altitan. Could these things be a sign of movement in that mysterious city? Is it teeming with life for good or ill mocking the deafening silence that hangs about those doors? I stayed many, many marcs and listened and listened but heard nothing. I cannot imagine anything that made those doors would scratch beneath the ground. I gave up and roamed the grasslands and the mountain pass laying my ear against the ground every so often but heard nothing. Eventually I screwed up my courage and purposely looked to stumble into the Dark Land. I remain convinced that whatever is happening it stems from there; a canker to grow in our Land causing pain and misery. I see it all in my dreams; I feel it all when I wake. So stumble there I did and felt the biting pain of the harpies. I fought my way down towards what would be my mountain but they were too strong. I slay two before I paid with my life. Oh Ben how the pain seared. I could not bring myself to open my eyes as I came too in Dundee. When I did I saw an image of Knight Azure swim before my eyes looking stern though she was not there. I fumbled to eat something to appease the vision and stupidly ate the rotten fruit of the Dark Land. How I have paid for it in retching sickness. Strange to have been so soon found by Knight Azure after that…. perhaps it was a sign. It is nice to think so.

At least I slept here. But when I did the dreams were back and darker than they were. Maybe it was the effect of eating something poisoned by being in that place. The cave of night appeared and I wandered through its tunnels and then deeper again. There seemed more tunnels than there had been and they seemed different somehow. Then I found I was not there at all but beneath the wall…..then back again. There were piles like those in the Dundee sewers and webs that stretched as sticky and treacherous as those in the spider caves. There was eerie luminosity that I have only seen in the catacombs. I realised that all the places deep below the lands were coming together. Finally I was in a mine that seemed to extend even further north. And there were smaller tunnels leading upwards in many places as though whatever had made them were seeking out the surface. Not the kind of creature seeking out warmth and light, but the kind that sought to destroy whatever it found. My last recollection of the dreamlike state is Strifegorge. I woke with tears in my eyes and a pounding heart and terror on my face.

My cloak is a comfort as I sit huddling into it. I know I cannot stay here - I must go back to all those places. Word is good to have that they are well. Sight of them would be better. The comfort I draw from them better again. The hope of bringing comfort to them in difficult times the greatest thing of all.

I will take some tea and then try and doze a dreamless sleep. I do not know how I will get through another day, but with the gods I will.